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i know that this community hasnt been that active...but my heart is… - Lost tiddas and brodders, mammas and pappas. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Lost tiddas and brodders, mammas and pappas.

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[Apr. 4th, 2005|05:03 pm]
Lost tiddas and brodders, mammas and pappas.
i know that this community hasnt been that active...but my heart is breaking.

my real dad was a drug dealer and my mom and him were only 15 when she was pregnant with me. my mom came home and there was no food only a brick of weed in the fridge. i was only an infant. they argued and he beat her severly. she left him and moved in with grandma and grandpa. she married my stepdad and had my sister. one day i was playing with my sister and my mom called me in to the kitchen. she told me everything. i was 7 or 8. my heart broke. my sisters dad adopted me. he drove across the us and found my real dad and made him sign the papers. when i was 12 he came around and talked to my mom at her gas station. he wanted to see me. my mom said no. how could she say no?like i have no say in it. i understand that she wanted to protect me. all of my life i have felt like my moms mistake. it dosent help that my dad was hispanic and my mom is white. my stepdad always talked about beaners and says shit like that and it hurts. now that i am 22 i am burning to find out and see for myself. a few months ago my mom really hurt me bad when she and my stepdad bought a house NEXT TO MY REAL DADS FAMILY BUSISNESS. so not i have to see and hurt about it everytime i go over there. any advice?

[User Picture]From: nurseaido
2005-04-05 01:53 pm (UTC)

good luck

Hey there! welcome!
I am so sorry to hear your story. It cannot be easy trying to reconcile your relationship with your mum and knowing the facts that you do now. particulary as it seems that you have not had full access to information. I have no professional experience only my own personal experience to reflect on, however i can express some of the things i learnt myself.

Trying to peice together history from loved ones is extreamly difficult, as each have their own version of events, fears, needs/wants and emotional drives. Personally, I managed to gain a fairly clear picture by discussing things with different people, but by keeping in mind that their version is usualy colored by history.

I have many siblings not speaking with many eachother and most dont communicate with my mother either. this was basicly due to the fact that my mother had done some extreamly hurtful things to these people. When i met my sister for the first time, i discovered that my mother had been hiding my deceased father's belongings from me. it was very difficult to maintain my relationship with mum as she denied all knowledge in leiu of facts.

I guess my main advice is to try to maintain your relationship with your mum, despite the fact that she has clearly hurt you, she is human and obviously has fears of her own. this does not absolve her of responcibility, however try not to loose her as well.

As for meeting your father, I would suggest a letter to begin with,let him know who you are, and why you are contacting him. it may not be convenient for him at this time, or alternativly your mothers fears may possibly be true. Give him the opportunity to write back to you and then you can work out if you feel comfortable meeting. (i would suggest a quiet public place to start) from there, you can gauge how much to trust/confide/and involve him.

I wish you all the luck in meeting your father in the future, and I hope it turns out really well and you connect with him, your past and your sence of family. Meeting family can be incredibly liberating and fufulling as it can give you a sence of completion. Just keep in mind that your mother is human, and has her own fears as well, what she has done can be very hurful, but she would have her own reasons, and it would be good to find out why. Be kind to her and more importantly yourself.
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